The Beauty of All Things

Another old familiar [somewhat silly] post, written back in May 7th, 2003. Do you find it 'comforting' simply to look back in time? No matter how good or bad the situation was... To think back on how happy or lucky you were at one time, or maybe a dark period that you went through and now you're finally over it. Sometimes I find looking back can be so comforting and safe--a familiar place, but I try not to do it too much. It isn't real anymore. It happened and I'm only grateful.

The Game must go on.

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No, not the Milton Bradley version. The version we called our very own. What is it? No one knows, some people claimed that they do, then again, everyone has their own 2 cents.

People say: Live the moment! and people also say: Life is what you make it!, yeah, something like that... Or what about Just Live!, or Live / Choose Life!... I dunno, every thing is true and not, everything is cliché, yet there's always something to entertain us...

I question a lot of things, I might not have answers, but I usually end up finding something appropriate along the way. Most of the times I find myself more puzzling than life itself. Life isn't the question, I think we are!

Life is happening, and truth is what I'm thinking about right this second! I've read somewhere said that: We're all living in the past, the present, and the future all at the same time... One's probably thinking: No durr!, and yet the saying [or is this a cliché?] is so simple and yet profound, it's something to think about... A happy errie thought.

I love thinking and not thinking. I just love what I love. To be free and be able to do whatever I please. I'm much in a better position than a whooooole lotta people I know, and I'm forever grateful for that. Life is what it is, no matter how successful and charming or the poor and the 'pathetic loser' that you think you are, or how 'unmeaningful' you think your existence is to others... It's your life, and it's just as good as any other's.

...when I die, I'll be nothing. At least it's the 'nothing' that I can come close to comprehend. I imagine [and the world 'imagine' is certainly an understatement! What are the words that surpass 'beyond imagination'?!?] myself transparent... not being... Whatever I may become, whatever I may be - the room so bright, the place so brilliantly white [or maybe a blinding black?] that I won't be able to see myself... something unfamiliar... That last appearing / disappearing act!

Somewhere along those lines would be my interpretation of an individual leaving the earth, or is that the start of life? The end isn't the beginning, and the beginning is not the end. Here, the end is the end, and the beginning, it just is. I think the middle is where I want to be...

...and I think I'm there!

We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.

Text: Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

Man in Motion. They say the eyes have it. This guy certainly does. Anyway, I feel like I just took a vacation. It was nice to be away. It's also nice to be back. Somewhat!

Hope you are well.

The Stare. This past week Alec suggested that I should venture out at least once a week, to take photos, be out of the house or whatever. I've driven so much at my last job, these days, I don't feel like driving anywhere, even to Los Angeles, which is only about 13 miles from my house. Bleh! I might as well live under a giant rock.

He's right though. I should head out to a gallery tomorrow if not today. Maybe I'll start looking in the south bay area. Anyway, I adore this song. I think I'll dance a bit now.

Have a fantastic day yourself. Okay?

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Currently listening:
Siouxsie & the Banshees - Dazzle [DreamTime / Glamour Mix]

Peace to all.

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Currently listening:
Dead Can Dance - Hymn For The Fallen [Live]

Carmine. Y'know, IMHO, 99% of the time life turns out nothing like you imagined.

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Currently listening:
This Mortal Coil - Another Day

Entrance / Exit. For some reason, this photo reminds me of the song Plaza. Sometimes my photos remind of the song as well... Cold, sterile, hard, devoid of emotions... sometimes. They're not really good selling points are they? They don't strike up an emotional response compared to a photograph of, say, a cute puppy dog! I am 'cold', most of the times I don't prefer the warm n' fuzzies.

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Currently listening:
John Foxx - The Plaza

Currently listening:
Beatles vs. NIN - Come Closer Together

That's my grandmother in the ICU this past May. She had a tear in the stomach because of some medication and was bleeding internally. She spent 3 days in the hospital. My mom knew something was wrong since she wasn't eating much at all the weeks before. She was just about 50 pounds at the time.

My grandmother was a country girl. She never had a proper education. She knows numbers and that's about it. She's been very stubborn all her life. Anyway, since she came out from the hospital, all she does is lie around in bed and watch TV when she has the strength. She's now too weak to walk you see. My grandmother took care of my family for years on end, and for the past years, it was finally my mother's turn to care for her in return. It's been a tough road for everyone. For the past 4 months, grandma has been wearing adult diapers but refuses to use it. My folks had an reclining hospital bed put in, but grandma would still try to climb over the bars and use the commode in the room herself in the middle of the night. Mom help her to the commode around midnight and about 7am in the morning just in case. But when grandma does climb over, she usually makes it but can't get back up on the bed, or that she makes a mess of herself first and then lies on the floor and just waits for my mother to help her back up. I had even put in a baby monitor in her room but my mom can't really watch her 24 hours a day.

I've been heading home to see them every weekend. It's not easy to see them like this. My mother's health isn't good either; she's close to 80 herself. About once a week my grandmother would have an 'episode' and soil herself, her sheets and carpet and everything else. My mom would spend the entire day cleaning up the place. Wash all the sheets and blankets, my grandmother's clothes and including my grandma and herself. It's an all day affair. My mother has a weak heart and last week she spent a night at the hospital again because of her poor health. It happened this past weekend and I had to life my grandma into the tub. At one time in my life, this 50lb-woman took care of me, fed me, bathe me, took me to school and everything else...

My dad called me up last night and said that they have finally decided to place grandma in a convalescent home. My parents have done their research and there's a really 'good' home with some Chinese-speaking nurses. My mom and dad simply can't handle it anymore. It's heart wrenching but it is what it is. I dread the day and it's happening this Friday. The one thing that I'm afraid is that the home might restraint my grandmother since she likes to climb down the bed herself. But that's what they do when people do that. They don't want them to fall. Total submission. Nobody likes that. Seems like so many things are happening...

The above photo was taken about a month ago. I'll be heading home tomorrow to see my grandmother one last time in the house.

My grandmother is to check-in to the convalescent home tomorrow. The place is about a 13-mile drive from my parents' place. Grandmother phases in and out these days. My mom told her that she'll be checking in to the hospital tomorrow in order for her to 'get better', so she could walk again. My mom told me to repeat and say this loudly to my grandma once more since she might not have registered what my mom said. I obliged. But is it not right to lie? When is it right to not tell the truth?

Grandma refuses to eat anything since last night and when I got there this morning she was patting her stomach with her small left hand. My mother finally talked her into eating something along with some medication for her stomach. Finally she closed her eyes and rested a bit. Mom is afraid that grandma might get tube-fed at the home since she refuses to eat a lot of times, I hope she's wrong, but... My family had previously discussed that grandmother most likely will never get better. She's even too weak to undergo any rehabilitation. Growing old is terminal. But she still has such a strong will to live. Or is it that she's afraid of dying?

The width of her ankle-bone is bigger than her legs... Like a skeleton in disguise... But her hands are still so soft and warm. I just held her hand while she closed her eyes. I even took a couple of photos while she was resting. It seemed like a bad time for taking photos, but I'm just afraid...... I'm afraid that she will never come back home. That she will never get to see her own room again... Am I more sad than afraid? My mother is somewhat thinking positively about her mother coming home in a couple of months... We all know the chances are grim but we still need to think good thoughts. Don't we? Or are we just deceiving ourselves? I had no tears, I had faced it. It is what it is -- this day. In our mind, this is what's 'necessary'. A human life, our beloved 97 year-old grandmother, being escorted to an unfamiliar place to live against her will starting tomorrow... How cruel the life.

My sister who also came to visit left a bit before me, and then it was my time to say goodbye. I whispered in her dazed sleep: "Don't be afraid grandma. When you're ready, grandpa will be waiting for you. Don't be afraid!" I made sure no one could hear me. Later she opened her eyes, I then kissed my grandmother's forehead and told her I'll come back next week to see her again, something that I usually say to her when I leave. "I'll get better." she replied softly. She then closed her eyes once more and by then my eyes were already swollen with tears. I couldn't help it. Hope against hope...

Goodnight grandma. I'll see you very soon.

Thank you everyone for your concern and good wishes. Alec and I were supposed to take a week-long vacation to Monument Valley, AZ that was planned months ago. But plans changed. We just drove back from Sequoia National Park today and we'll be heading out to Prescott, AZ tomorrow afternoon. Long story! At any rate, my sister called and said grandmother's blood pressure was extremely low when she was checked in to the convalescent home. She was then driven to the ER and put in ICU that same Friday night. She has an infection in her stomach and that's why she wasn't eating much this past week. Tests are still being administered and her conditioned is now stable. She's in a regular hospital room now and I'm going to see her first thing tomorrow morning.

Her condition is good for she is a good fighter. I just hope she's not in pain. Thanks again everybody. xo, r

People say Live today as if it was your last day... It's too grim. I'd say: Live today as if it was your first. Embrace. There's nothing good and nothing bad. Embrace everything.

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Currently listening:
Nuno Malo - Star Crossing

A lifetime... however short or long, for we are only but transients in this universe.

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Currently listening:
Explosions In The Sky - Your Hand In Mine [Goodbye]