My grandmother is to check-in to the convalescent home tomorrow. The place is about a 13-mile drive from my parents' place. Grandmother phases in and out these days. My mom told her that she'll be checking in to the hospital tomorrow in order for her to 'get better', so she could walk again. My mom told me to repeat and say this loudly to my grandma once more since she might not have registered what my mom said. I obliged. But is it not right to lie? When is it right to not tell the truth?
Grandma refuses to eat anything since last night and when I got there this morning she was patting her stomach with her small left hand. My mother finally talked her into eating something along with some medication for her stomach. Finally she closed her eyes and rested a bit. Mom is afraid that grandma might get tube-fed at the home since she refuses to eat a lot of times, I hope she's wrong, but... My family had previously discussed that grandmother most likely will never get better. She's even too weak to undergo any rehabilitation. Growing old is terminal. But she still has such a strong will to live. Or is it that she's afraid of dying?
The width of her ankle-bone is bigger than her legs... Like a skeleton in disguise... But her hands are still so soft and warm. I just held her hand while she closed her eyes. I even took a couple of photos while she was resting. It seemed like a bad time for taking photos, but I'm just afraid...... I'm afraid that she will never come back home. That she will never get to see her own room again... Am I more sad than afraid? My mother is somewhat thinking positively about her mother coming home in a couple of months... We all know the chances are grim but we still need to think good thoughts. Don't we? Or are we just deceiving ourselves? I had no tears, I had faced it. It is what it is — this day. In our mind, this is what's 'necessary'. A human life, our beloved 97 year-old grandmother, being escorted to an unfamiliar place to live against her will starting tomorrow... How cruel the life.
My sister who also came to visit left a bit before me, and then it was my time to say goodbye. I whispered in her dazed sleep: "Don't be afraid grandma. When you're ready, grandpa will be waiting for you. Don't be afraid!" I made sure no one could hear me. Later she opened her eyes, I then kissed my grandmother's forehead and told her I'll come back next week to see her again, something that I usually say to her when I leave. "I'll get better." she replied softly. She then closed her eyes once more and by then my eyes were already swollen with tears. I couldn't help it. Hope against hope...
Goodnight grandma. I'll see you very soon.
Comments (8)
It is a bit hard to put words for it. A slice of sadness and more pieces of warmness and closeness. I always remember when I was kid, I would struggle very hard not to fall into sleep when we had friends and relatives visit. Instead of going to bed alone, I would lean on my mom's lap and tried to catch every bit of what was going on. But my eyes gave up before long. Always a sweet dream followed.
Chinese always says that you turn into a kid when you get older. She surely already miss a great deal what has happened in her life when she nurtured all of you and how much joy and care your mom& dad and your siblings provide to her. It is simply beautiful for her to rekindle her childhood dream by resting her hand on yours.
Posted by steven | September 28, 2009 6:40 PM
Posted on September 28, 2009 18:40
Hi there- I'm VERY sorry to hear about this. After reading several blog it had brought me to tears I had to grab tissue box. I know how hard it is. My grandmother was bedridden at her house. My mom called us but we were out eating.. we both forgot our cell phone once we got in we have many missed calls. It was my mother saying it is time for her to go. And we live 6 hours away... I just grabbed keys and hopped into car and we drove down the highway at very high speed trying to get there on time cuz I promised my nana that I would be there for her... As I got there I ran to door... my mom stopped me and said she just died less 5 minutes ago I bursted in tears and ran away from everyone to let my emotional out.
My mom told me that when she set the phone to nana's ear as I spoke I said "Nana, I'm coming for you. I promise I'll be there I love you so much nana! Hold on nana." My mom and other family member saw tears coming out of her right eye which they find it amazing that she could hear me even tho she was not awake.
I went into her room and she was laying there peacefully... I sat beside her, held her hand and adjusted her hair with my other hand... lend forward and kissed her on her lip and told her I love her so much.
I really miss her so much, she was my hero, lifesaver, and everything. She had made me proud of myself after my struggling of accepting my deafness and my homosexual. I've attempt to commit suicide couple of times and she was always there for me. I'm thankful to have her as my grandmother...
I thnk I better stop right now cuz it's too emotionally for me to type.
Posted by Kevin | September 27, 2009 7:48 PM
Posted on September 27, 2009 19:48
Dear Friend..I know how difficult a time this is for you and your family. I hold you in my thoughts. This picture will be one that you treasure. It is beautiful and it speaks so well of a life lived and of the love in this life. I wish you, your family, and all who love your grandmother, peace.
Posted by Pua | September 22, 2009 2:04 PM
Posted on September 22, 2009 14:04
My heart is aching. There is much shared history in those hands, unspoken and knowing, between them, that goes back decades. And yet there’s a goodbye there too, a tender and knowing goodbye.
You’ve create a profound and lovely memento here, Robert, that will be treasured by you and yours for generations.
Posted by Jeaux | September 19, 2009 7:26 PM
Posted on September 19, 2009 19:26
that was the most tender and touching photo and essay I have read in a long while.
What a lovely man you are; and your gran is so fortunate to have you.
Posted by Urspo | September 19, 2009 3:05 PM
Posted on September 19, 2009 15:05
so beautiful - my own eyes are welling up as i write this.
my thoughts and my prayers are with her and with you and your family.
i suppose the cruelty of living is also what makes life so beautiful...i remember thinking that when my own nana was facing death and it came back to me strongly in this photo and the feelings you shared.
xoxo to robert
Posted by Catlow | September 19, 2009 7:28 AM
Posted on September 19, 2009 07:28
oh robert. This is a very beautiful picture. I don't think its a bad time to take photographs, you will be so glad to have this one forever.
My heart goes out to you all, I know what the waiting is like, and the "skeleton in disguise".
There is a time for all things. but its not easy.
xx
Posted by Lettuce | September 19, 2009 4:00 AM
Posted on September 19, 2009 04:00
I loved your picture on this post. It nearly brought me to tears. My thoughts and prayers go you to you, your grandmother and your family my friend.
Posted by Rick | September 18, 2009 9:59 AM
Posted on September 18, 2009 09:59