Here is a photo of my mother watching her own mother being put beneath the earth. Gone is the vessel. My grandmother was cremated yesterday. We took one last look at her and then we parted. My mother has always been a hard-headed, stubborn woman. Seldom I've heard her cry but it was never like this. She was whimpering and saying the words "Ma-Ma!" as if she was a little girl again. It was heartbreaking. My mother lost her father when she was six and all she had was her 2 little sisters and her mother. But she will remain strong; just like her own mother.
I cried like a baby yesterday. In the end, the man who was tending the cremation service asked if any one of us would like to 'press the button'. We declined. For me, I just can't do it. I kept reminding myself that it's only a body that used to be my grandmother. No more. No less. Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust...
I didn't cry all that much this afternoon for I did most of it on my way to the service. There is no more pain and suffering for my grandmother. I believe that life/death goes around in an enigmatic circle... She's at peace and I look forward to seeing her again in the future.
The photo above is one of many of my grandmother that I took with my phone. Before the hospital bed arrived, I used to hang out with her on her bed and we both would watch TV together. I made this big photo album for her full of pictures of everyone she knows. This particular page that she's looking at are photos of my grandfather's grave site back in China. I also bought her the ducky on that table for her birthday, and next to that is a 'self-portrait' photo of my grandmother and I back in 2001. I still remember that day. I gave her a small 'interview' and recorded it with my little point-n'-shoot camera. In the video I asked her about her family... About her own father and mother, and the war...
Death is inevitable. But what does that make life? What came before life itself? Today I think of such questions but I need not know the answers. They will come to me one day...
Today was a sad day, but it was also a good day. A day of remembrance! Have a good night everyone and take great care of yourselves and one another.
xo, r
Comments (12)
Funny. I commented on thsi and have no memory of having seen it before.
You have a most tender soul. Goodness and mercy shall be yours for the remainder of your days on earth,
Posted by wilhelm | February 15, 2010 8:36 PM
Posted on February 15, 2010 20:36
I should have been visiting your site more often and sorry to send my late sympathies about your grandmother. You always had such great stories to share about her, and I am sure there are still more to treasure from your memories of her life.
Posted by Junk Thief | January 1, 2010 6:29 PM
Posted on January 1, 2010 18:29
Looks like you and I were having similar experiences right around the same time. I too look forward to seeing my father again in the future. Thanks for your comment on my blog regarding my father. It was much appreciated. I share your feelings. I really, really do.
Posted by Cobban | December 21, 2009 9:50 PM
Posted on December 21, 2009 21:50
Thank you for sharing this with us...this is a beautiful post.
Posted by johnmichael | December 19, 2009 6:34 AM
Posted on December 19, 2009 06:34
When you miss your grandmother, just look into your mother's eyes.
Posted by SaltyMissJill | December 18, 2009 9:12 AM
Posted on December 18, 2009 09:12
What beautiful women in your family.
I have a lump in my throat now.
Peace be with you and your family, darling R.
xoxoj
Posted by SaltyMissJill | December 18, 2009 9:10 AM
Posted on December 18, 2009 09:10
my deepest condolences to you and your family Robert :/
Posted by mike w. | December 17, 2009 9:08 AM
Posted on December 17, 2009 09:08
Rob, my condolences to you, your mother and your entire family. You write movingly about someone who was obviously deeply and very deservedly loved.
Posted by Will | December 17, 2009 8:48 AM
Posted on December 17, 2009 08:48
Though I have been where you are, I am at a loss to find the words of comfort I so wish to impart. Your loss is a great one. My heart wants to say so much to you, and yet, I have nothing. The two words that really come to me are "Well Done." To so many, our elderly are "disposable". By your care, love, and actions, you show yourself so far removed from this mentality.
You have been such a wonderful grandson; thoughtful, loving, doting. Your grandmother knew how very loved she was. Well done, Robert. I know this is not something that you expect to hear, but along with my great respect for you, comes the desire for you to know that I hold you in the highest regard because you are such a loving, kind soul. I send you thoughts of love and healing.
Posted by Pua | December 16, 2009 7:04 PM
Posted on December 16, 2009 19:04
Beautiful post and wonderful words.
Posted by Kevin-Andrew | December 16, 2009 11:48 AM
Posted on December 16, 2009 11:48
Thank you for sharing such a personal and intimate part of life. I know this is a sad time right now but it’ll pass. Always remember the good times and hold dear the precious and happy memories. Then your loved ones will never be truly gone and always live on within you.
Posted by Jim | December 16, 2009 9:06 AM
Posted on December 16, 2009 09:06
what a thoughtful splendid post.
Posted by Urspo | December 15, 2009 8:37 PM
Posted on December 15, 2009 20:37